Little People and Little joys

In this stage of life there is little rest and little sleep. My little people fight bedtime as if it were the end of their life as they know it. They also fight quiet time. And they are all high energy kids. So all in all, there is no stopping... ever! With that being the case, I am exhausted. I have not had a moment of peace and quiet in a long while (no even now Jackson is whimpering to be released from the "circle of neglect" i.e. the exersaucer, and the girls are supposed to be having quiet time but I hear laughing which means they are probably playing on the top bunk together.) I wonder how big families do it, are their kids perfect? Perhaps they are not quite as high energy? Or maybe they are people-pleasers?

I have had quite a few conversations lately with my mom, and with Adam, and in my own head about how to not only function but how to thrive in this constant state of being needed. My mom encouraged me to make a list of a few things that bring me the greatest joy, so I am taking a few minutes to do that! 

1) One on one time with my kids, they are each so unique. They are my greatest joy by far, things are exciting, smiles are easy, and their personalities are delightful. One-on-one times help me to see those things more clearly, so I value those moments. 

2) Spending time focused on Adam and my relationship, he's a pretty awesome guy. He is funny, and makes me see things in a new way. He is a big dreamer and it is easy to get excited about an idea when he talks about it. (Even if I regret it later... like the dog...)

3) Africa, being in the glorious heat with precious little blessings. My heart overflows with joy and love for the little hands and feet and faces I have met under the hot African sun. Both Uganda and Niger hold fond memories for me and I am anxious to one day return with my family.

4) Youth ministry gets my heart pumping, I love the age of discovering who you are and who God wants you to be. Learning and growing as an individual and being vulnerable and insecure all at the same time. I love watching teens go through that phase and I so long to be a friend, and encourager, and challenger of those years.

5) Since I was a young girl big families have brought me joy. Playing house as a child, I doubt my "family" was ever less than four children. Now we are part of a body of believers where a large homeschool family is a common thing. I don't know if God will bless me with more little ones, or if He does how we will manage... but I selfishly pray He provides little hands to hold, faces to kiss, and patience to teach!

6) Connecting with others is an incredible gift. I was stressed to the max on Sunday morning trying to get everyone fed, dressed and ready for church, finally we made it and moments after worship was finished Jackson started fussing (there was no nursery available). I ended up standing in the foyer talking to some ladies during the service and felt blessed and refreshed just through the chance to be in community.

7) Photographs, both professionally taken and taking pictures myself. I love looking through photos and the experience of learning to capture moments clearly and well.

8) A clean house doesn't specifically bring me joy but it sure brings peace to my soul. It is near impossible to find time to clean my house to the extent I want it, but when it is clean it is a million times easier to enjoy life!
9) Dressing up, I love dresses! I love the chance to wear a dress, do my hair and just "feel pretty". Even if it is for the purpose of a dance party with my little ladies, we have fun!
10) Music in many varieties. I love playing the piano, although my knowledge and abilities are limited. I love singing (especially while driving alone in Adam's RAV4 - it has the best acoustics!) I love listening to music, I love being surrounded my music. Although I am picky about the genres, give me some old fashioned hymns or some songs I can really connect with lyrically. I have three favourite groups The Civil Wars, Alex & Sierra, and Walk Off The Earth. I love the melodies and how each group has fun with their music yet it doesn't sound messy or too "poppy". 

So all that being said, I suppose now I am left to process and see what God does next!

Growing little people

I often think into the future, but I suppose I never expected my sweet little Abbi would get bigger and smarter and more child less baby... I watch and I see a heart of gold, joy beyond belief, and a fierce desire to protect her little sister and brother. This summer at VBS the girls were running around the sanctuary playing with balloons, a little boy close to Abbi's age was pretending to be something mean. At first he roared in her face - she could care less. Next the little boy went to Hope and roared, Hope hardly blinked but Abbi instinctively wrapped her arm around Hope and led her back to "safety." I watched her become a little person. She carries on a complete conversation and she remembers. She knows emotions, she asks why someone is sad or frustrated.

With her first time experiencing VBS, I tried not to be sentimental... to no avail. Wasn't she just a baby? A baby in a scared, young, momma's arms? The year before she was born I was volunteering at VBS, the week before I left for a nine week trip to Uganda. How did all that time pass? How is she old enough to be dropped off and left? Left to make her own friends, left to learn worship songs without me around. How is she old enough to be one of those kids that I used to love playing with and building a friendship with? I did not expect myself to find it as difficult as I do, I didn't think I would struggle not knowing the actions to the songs she comes home singing. But now, two months later, she is still singing the songs and doing the actions. She remembers. She knows. When playing with little disney figures she tells them, "Even when you are afraid, Jesus loves you." Her imagination is extraordinary, and I have no doubt she got that from me! I listen as she plays, her family has a photoshoot, her character's are named Adam and Teressa. We have friends with a large family, the 10 and 14 year olds are her favourite people on earth, she admires them. When did she get old enough to know people aside from family? 

I so desperately want to focus my attention on my precious little ones during these stages. I know it will pass quickly... but I love it! I love seeing the people they are becoming. I love seeing them become more and more independent. As long as they know I am here for them, rooting them on. And more importantly, that Jesus loves them and has a special plan for each of their days. 

Giving Up

Today's mom society drives me a little crazy. Who delivers naturally, who uses a midwife, who has their baby at home, who breast feeds, who breastfeeds the longest, who doesn't cover when breastfeeding. In all honesty, I fail at society's "mom scale". 
I gave up breastfeeding Abbi at 3 months because we both just couldn't get the hang of it. Life was stressful, newly married, moving twice in four months, a wedding reception to plan. All in all I barely remember her first few months and it breaks my heart! Hope would never take a bottle - most people would think that's fantastic... but planning life around three hour intervals with no grace was hard. As soon as she decided to take a bottle around 9 months I weaned her. Jackson takes a bottle here and there but in the back of my mind I feel guilt. I shouldn't be giving him this, I'm a terrible mother, what if someone asks, what is someone notices his poop is less yellow? It's petty and pathetic. 
Next on my "mom scale failures" are my three c-sections. First was an emergency because her head got stuck, but I didn't fight it, and I had had an epidural. Second was planned because she was breech - until the morning of when she turned and they said I could try for a vaginal birth but 80% chance I would end up with a c-section anyways. Why bother? Little J, he was a legit reason and I have no guilt. I had some serious placenta issues (reduced placental function) which means at any point in time the umbilical cord could stop the blood flow and we could lose him. Our team of endocrinologist, dietician, nurse, obstetrician, neonatologist, public health nurses, and maternal fetal medicine doctor decided he needed to come at 35 weeks gestation and I was completely on board. Having an appointment every single day of the week made me easily trust doctors more than my own body. That was the most stressful c-section, I was able to see him but then they took him and Adam up to the NICU before they had finished closing me up. 
After three caesareans and non exclusive breast feedings I would have to say personally I am 100% not comfortable with not covering up when nursing my babe. I don't change in front of my own kids why would I let random strangers possibly see any more skin than I am totally comfortable with exposing? That's probably my own personal totally conservative views on modesty, Poor Adam things I should be a little less stingy with my wardrobe choices. I don't judge other's modesty, but I would rather be comfortable than trendy. 
The other new trend, co-sleepers and family bed stuff. I am all for kicking the baby out of my room! My bed is a sacred place for me and my husband, it's our safe place. Especially in a house of little people at different ages there is so little time of just us two. I am not willing to lose the precious moments we do have alone!
I guess I share all of this to say, I give up on feeling guilty! Do we all do these "trendy" mom things truly for the benefit of our kids or for our gold star from one another? If it was for the benefit of our kids then would we be fighting so hard against something? Shouldn't it be pro-growing and healthy baby not pro-home birth? Or pro-growing and fed baby not pro-breast feeding? I am not against the things I haven't done by any means, I am just against the condemnation that comes along with being a mom in a social media infested world. 

Let's not get our panties in a knot

Well the ALS ice bucket challenge... it has gone viral and like anything in our world there is a lot of garbage that goes along with "social media fads". So here is my stance!

I did it. Why did I dump a bucket of ice cold water on my head? To raise awareness, awareness that there are people out there suffering from a disease. A horrible disease that includes muscle's rapid progressive weakness resulting in difficulty moving, speaking, swallowing, and breathing. I am positive it would be awful knowing something with ALS, and that is why I participated in the challenge. I am not in support of the way they use the funds, or the possibility of them using embryo stem cells for research. In saying that, I don't have all the information and it is not my place to judge what they are doing. But it is my choice to donate or not, peer pressure or not. I don't want to donate to them but there are hundreds of other charities I wholeheartedly support.

Nevertheless, I am proud of the phenomenon of hundreds of people raising awareness. My reasoning is simple... our North American society is totally absolutely consumed with ourselves and our own problems. I am excited that so many people are standing together, acknowledging that there is serious pain and suffering in other people's lives. In all honesty, I wish it was for something more serious. I wish we could raise money to solve world hunger (which the amount of money the Western world spends on perfume in a year would cover.) I wish we could raise awareness for many other <bigger> issues. Not to say ALS isn't terrible, but there are far fewer people dying from ALS than the lack of clean water. That being said, I am thankful that for a short while many people have done something to realize they are not the only person with problems. Everyone is dealing with something, and we don't see what is happening in their heart. So let's band together and be a community to support one another. And encourage other's to do the same!

My Malachi Home

This special evening... a holiday... My parents graciously offered to watch our children while Adam and I escaped for an hour of fishing. 
I look over as my dear husband drives the boat away from the dock. A beautiful red cabin. So similar, yet so different from the childhood memories surrounding it. Catching frogs, playing paper dolls, hours upon hours of swimming. This place is special. It is the perfect memory. Life was easy, imagination and basic living. I remember the days of no electricity, grandpa would pop popcorn in the fireplace. I remember the days of no internet, you read and talked and played games around the table. I remember as a teenager, if we brought our cellphones out of our bags we set them up in the front send window to receive a signal. Now there are both, I'm not sure if I love it or hate it. Life is more convenient. An occasional shower is a positive. An indoor toilet is a positive. But everyone checking their phones and iPads and computers... I miss the escape. I remember my grandma used to say the day the internet came to the lake she wouldn't. I think she had two summers with internet here before she passed away. Some memories never fade, when Abbi opens the door I can hear my grandma in the back of my mind "Shut the door!"
But tonight she is not here. I see the loneliness in my grandpa's eyes, he misses her. Tonight he was sitting outside in the screen room listening to some of their favourite songs. The Prayer (by Andrea Brocelli & Celine Dion) came on. My heart stopped for a moment... that was her favourite song. One of the top five for sure. My grandpa is an amazing man, he was an incredible husband. He washed her feet every night. He woke up every night to give her a blood test at 3 am. He did everything for my grandma and never once complained. I still don't know if I have ever heard him complain. 
I am so thankful for this place. Malachi. My childhood safe place. Although a vacation here is not truly relaxing, there is always work to be done... but it's wonderful. I love it. Every moment of being here brings joy and tranquility.

Your Wife is Lonely

Dear husbands,
Your wife is desperately needing your attention, even if she cannot ask. She feels lonely. Isolated. Ignored. Her world consists of cleaning, taking care of precious little ones, cooking, and/or work.  She used to be completely in love with life and with you, now she feels worthless and uninteresting. Depression and anxiety and stress confine her and she is aching to break free. How did she get stuck in this place? How could she possibly escape back to the young free spirit she once was? 
Do you remember they way she used to dress for you? Asking what you liked, doing her hair especially the way you liked? Now it's whatever is clean and whatever is easy. You miss the girl you once fell in love with, I promise you my friend, she misses her too. She is tired and weary, her head and her back and her feet and her hands. They desire to be cherished. She wants to love serving, to love giving and loving. But she feels empty. Empty. Empty. Empty. 
Don't give up on her, her heart is still gold. Her desires are still for you, but she needs to know you feel the same way too. You pursued her once, pursue her again. She wants to be chased, her heart needs to be held so dearly. She is weak, though she tries to be strong. Lift her up, hold her hand, kiss her cheek. Flirt a little more, she wants that hot romance from the beginning. Are you too busy watching sports, work, your social circles? You can't be an amazing husband if you are never around, put down the phone, computer, and all electronics. All the effort you put in at first, is it worth so little to you now? Tell her, tell her you want her heart and soul not only her body. 
Marriage is not easy, so many give up. It's worth it though, wouldn't you say? Your wife wants to be the best she could ever be for you. Sometimes she needs some encouragement that her efforts are appreciated. Share your heart as hard as that is. Even a hard conversation is better than no conversation at all. Your wife wants you. She needs you. She told me so herself.

Blissful Peace

Mess surrounds me, and generally I would begin to panic. I don't like a messy house, I don't like dishes in my sink, toys on every surface and scattered everywhere, or laundry heaped in a pile waiting to be put away. I want my house to be clean, I want to teach my children responsibility. 
But I know in time all those will come, I know I won't always have little people needing to be played with, nursed, or comforted. I will blink and suddenly my sweet little naive children will be grown. They will start school. They will make friends where I don't initiate the friendship. My girls will start to like boys and my boy will like girls. They will learn to drive. All those things will happen in a whirlwind, why do I focus on making sure the house is perfectly clean - no foot prints on my freshly washed floor. Their toddler-hoods and childhoods should be enjoyed and delightful, I need to cherish these days. Much like today, just enjoying the moments of their friendships. Enjoying the snuggles. Enjoying the imagination play. Even in between the moments of reconciling arguments and teaching kindness. 

Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court. 
Psalm 127:3-5

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat of drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more than clothes? 
Matthew 6:25

Are we too far gone already?

Today, as I scrolled through twitter, I came across a news article that I had briefly seen mentioned earlier in the day. Long story short, a lady was outraged because a walk-in-clinic doctor refused to write birth control prescriptions due to her religious beliefs. She had taken all the required steps by law to make that decision, she posted a sign clearing stating so, and she had a list readily available for anyone that was in search of said prescriptions. The news station's article and footage made it sound so terrible that an individual could chose not to hand out something she believes is wrong. Afterwards, they posted a poll online to ask viewers "Should doctors be allowed to without medical medical services based on personal beliefs?" Really world?!? Are we losing the right to make decisions according to our own beliefs? 
I began to wonder; are there any other job where the law tells you that you must go against what you think appropriate? Well apparently when you google "jobs lost due to beliefs" there are countless stories of individuals being fired/dismissed/let go of due to their personal stances on specific matters. I thought we had freedom of speech? At least in North America... I suppose we only have freedom of speech if it avoids conflict. However while one individual disagrees with my faith, I am not allowed to disagree with abortion because it might offend someone... so it all depends which side is "less offensive" (<-also very debatable!) I really am not one to thrive on conflict, instead I run from it! I hate arguments and I hate yelling and I hate people being mad at me. With that being said I hate complacency, and entitlement more. And I know at times I am guilty of both, but I really am trying to learn! 
Most people say the want the next generation to "stand up for what they believe in" well unless they are seeking out wisdom from God's word, Godly mentors, their parents, youth leaders, and digging for themselves, do we really? We might just end up with a generation of kids believing that if you aren't heard or no one cares then it's fine to cut yourself, or to contemplate suicide, or to go shoot a dozen people at your school. We need to encourage a tougher, but merciful generation. Do we not want them to care for one another, but challenge one another to be responsible for their own emotions and actions? 
Clearly, I am at a loss for what this world needs... but I hope I can figure it out a bit before my sweet -almost- four year old starts saying she needs me to solve her problems. I am pro-work it out! Who knows, if we forget to teach our kids to get out of the way when a car is coming, they will think it the car's responsibility to get out of their way. Super bad example, but I needed it to lead into my story of the week about entitlement! Slash it totally reminded me of this and I thought it the perfect example!
Last week (on my birthday nevertheless) I was driving to my parent's house, I was later than I had hoped. I was about to turn onto their street when two young boys between the ages of 12 and 14 slowly started to stroll into the middle of the street. They were very intentional with their speed, stopping directly in front of my van. One pulled out a cellphone the other continued to the sidewalk then walked back. Clearly he was feeling more guilty and knew right from wrong... the other I have no excuse for! They stood and chuckled to each other, occasionally looking over at me but trying to avoid eye contact. Meanwhile I stared at them, remaining calm on the outside but wishing I had the guts to pull right up to them. After a good three minutes, the one with an inch of common sense encouraged his buddy to get off the road and I graciously continued to my parents'. Emotions were a blaze! But on the bright side, I learned a valuable lesson. Parents need to teach their kids the world does not revolve around them! Life sucks, not everyone will wait patiently while you j-walk on their birthdays! 

Family Ties

Where does the line of over bearing parents and heaving a healthy relationship with parents fall? How do we know if we are obeying God's commands to honour your father and mother or disobeying the "then they shall leave their father and mother and become one" law? I want to be respectful and loving towards both in-laws and parents, but how do we stand firm as a family unit? I often wonder if living further from our parents would be too challenging. We love our families dearly, but do we spend too much time with them, or rely on them too often? Our family backgrounds are both similar yet so different at the same time. I watch families around me and listen to stories of how their life has fallen to pieces. It is easy to see how a family can crumble down so quickly when we all have our own opinions, our own experiences, and our own personalities.
Take for example the wonderful game of hockey. I view it through my lens; the youngest daughter of a Swedish, semi-pro hockey player. Swedes are generally a peaceful people. Hitting is foolish, especially when it's planned. If a player on the opposing team comes up and begins to fight you then don't fall back. However, on the same note don't decide, I feel like getting a five minute penalty, and just start fighting for the sake of momentum. The point of the game is to score goals, if you wanted to fight you should have gone into wrestling or boxing. I know that is far from most people's positions on fighting in hockey, but I was taught fighting is wrong. So why people seek it out I do not understand in my naive way of thinking. 
I know that I have grown up in a sheltered and conservative bubble. I didn't understand what any swear words were until I was half way through elementary. I was never exposed to fighting, I cannot remember my parents ever arguing. And I was completely oblivious to male anatomy to say the least. Although it is easy to tease and joke about, I am thankful for my upbringing. I am thankful I didn't have to deal with many difficult circumstances.
All that to say, I know I am naive in my thinking, I know I have a great deal to learn. I want to understand how to love God and love others. How do I love those who irritate me, how do I teach my children to love in context of sports, how do I love from a healthy distance? So many questions, I am excited to see how the Lord leads and guides me on a journey of faith and life. I am excited to see where my relationships will be in a year time. Who will I be closer to, who will I have distanced? I look forward to seeing how we grow as a family unit rather than two individuals from different families raise more little people. I am excited as we get to know other Godly families and connect with our church community. Life is never easy, there will always be challenges along the way. Thankfully, we don't have to face those challenges alone. The Creator of Heaven and earth wants to lead us and show us in the way of righteousness. We just need to humble ourselves and be willing to follow.