Ephesians 3:20-21 God is able to do much more than we ask or think through His power working in us. May we see His shining-greatness in the church. May all people in all time honour Christ Jesus. Let it be so.
So what is my problem? I know God is able, I know He CAN do more than I can comprehend for His glory. But He won't. Not right now. My heart is full of bitterness... Through my childhood and teen years, all I wanted was to grow up serving Him. I wanted to take car of His widows and orphans, James 1:27 was my motto verse "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. So is that it God? Did I pollute myself with the world and now the dreams You gave me, the ambitions You burned into my soul are just there to haunt me? I want to love those kids in Africa who don't have love, those who's governments, teachers, and parents are not focused on setting them up for success. I want to share Jesus' love with them and fill up their love tanks!
But then I got pregnant... so I guess I screw it all up. I decided to follow the way of the world, I turned my heart away from Christ's leading and words. Is there no redemption in forgiveness? Will we never move past it? Five years later both Adam and my dreams are just that. Daydreams.
Is this the result of us not having enough faith? Do we not have God's power in us to accomplish those amazing things? Are our hearts just selfish and we use God as an excuse to make the dreams seem good? Over and over I struggle, why would God give us these passions if they will never come to pass? I know Jesus was 30 before He started His ministry, the Israelites waited 40 years to get into the Promiseland, and Abraham had to wait until he was 100 years old for Isaac's birth. But when I highly doubt I will leave -that- long, will any portion of our dreams ever happen? Will we ever have the chance to serve God in those ways? Will we ever be good enough? Have enough money? Be qualified? So many questions in my troubled heart. So I leave myself with a passage...
Psalm 37:5-7 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
