A Heart of Bitterness

    Occasionally a day like today occurs. I am bombarded with all my (and Adam's) dreams for the future, and the realities that they will not happen. A few weeks ago I was challenged by my Ladies Bible Study lesson. We were talking about God's ability, how God goes way beyond our way beyond. The whole premise was; 

Ephesians 3:20-21 God is able to do much more than we ask or think through His power working in us. May we see His shining-greatness in the church. May all people in all time honour Christ Jesus. Let it be so. 

So what is my problem? I know God is able, I know He CAN do more than I can comprehend for His glory. But He won't. Not right now. My heart is full of bitterness... Through my childhood and teen years, all I wanted was to grow up serving Him. I wanted to take car of His widows and orphans, James 1:27 was my motto verse "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. So is that it God? Did I pollute myself with the world and now the dreams You gave me, the ambitions You burned into my soul are just there to haunt me? I want to love those kids in Africa who don't have love, those who's governments, teachers, and parents are not focused on setting them up for success. I want to share Jesus' love with them and fill up their love tanks!

But then I got pregnant... so I guess I screw it all up. I decided to follow the way of the world, I turned my heart away from Christ's leading and words. Is there no redemption in forgiveness? Will we never move past it? Five years later both Adam and my dreams are just that. Daydreams. 

Is this the result of us not having enough faith? Do we not have God's power in us to accomplish those amazing things? Are our hearts just selfish and we use God as an excuse to make the dreams seem good? Over and over I struggle, why would God give us these passions if they will never come to pass? I know Jesus was 30 before He started His ministry, the Israelites waited 40 years to get into the Promiseland, and Abraham had to wait until he was 100 years old for Isaac's birth. But when I highly doubt I will leave -that- long, will any portion of our dreams ever happen? Will we ever have the chance to serve God in those ways? Will we ever be good enough? Have enough money? Be qualified? So many questions in my troubled heart. So I leave myself with a passage...

Psalm 37:5-7 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Wrestling With God

This week God spoke. He revealed to me a heart of gold, that of a young woman who had a similar dream.
In 2006 God brought two young women to Africa. Different ages, different places. Same result. A deep love for the people, the children, the land, the culture. One returned the following year, began teaching, began an organization, and nine years later has adopted thirteen precious children as her own. God spoke to her heart, God led her on an adventure, she followed.
The other returned to Africa twice more, coming home both times, became a young wife and mother and remained in North America while a portion of her heart remained in Africa. Praying one day to return, to share that love for the children of Africa - Uganda especially - with a younger generation. I am she. And I pray that the Lord will open a door for me to share His heart, that which He has shared with me. Whether it be with my own children, or other youth.  
The first young woman is Katie Davis. Her story is incredible. When I read her blog I feel as though I am peeking through a spy hole into a life that could have been. Meanwhile I am here, my ministry is to three little people. Little people who need attention, constant directing, constant encouragement, and so many other needs. My husband also needs my attention, he works hours upon hours to meet the financial needs of a growing family in a busy and expensive city. Some days I think perhaps I would rather the difficulties of a missionaries life. I think I would rather have no money, be lonely, carry the burdens of those I am serving, sickness, and the many other struggles a missionaries life entails. But God reminds me quickly, with a sweet cheeky smile from a three year old, a snuggle from a sweet baby boy, a conversation with an eager four year old mind, or a warm embrace from a husband who tells me to slow down. My life is good. This is my ministry right now. God has placed me here and here is beautiful. This life is beautiful, and my struggles are meant for me to wrestle through.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-22 NLT
Be joyful always. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil.

Read more about Katie Davis and Amazima Ministries at https://amazima.org

Perspective

Perspective.

Life is all about perspectives.

Life is a whole bunch of crappy days linked together with moments of joy to keep you going. 

Life is a whole bunch of wonderful days linked together with struggles to challenge you.

Which do you feel is true? What is your perspective on life, are you an optimist, realist, or pessimist? 

I strongly believe your perspective is often dictated by whom you surround yourself. I have two friends, both mothers, both bloggers, and both Godly women. They are in different seasons of life, one has eight children spanned out of 17 years. She has a young adult, three teenagers, a preteen, an elementary, a preschooler, and a baby. The other has three children the oldest is nearing her fourth birthday. I don’t have a very close relationship with either of these women but they inspire me daily! Their perspective on life and parenting and relationships is a breath of fresh air on a grey gloomy winter’s day. 

I find God has placed them in my life to remind me to be thankful. Thankful for my beautiful little blessings, thankful for a hard working loyal passionate husband, thankful for a gracious God that loves me after my continual failures. They post pictures and stories on social media that challenge me, challenge me to speak softly, challenge me to not lose my mind when every room in our house looks as though a hurricane has blown through. They challenge me to view life as precious. They challenge me to let my kids be kids, messy and imaginative and unique. They challenge me to take courage. They challenge me to take care of my momma heart. They challenge me to be the best I can be for my children and my husband. All without knowing so!

I had an incredible hour of cuddling a sleeping baby, sitting on an airplane with no where to go, no distractions, and my lovely husband eight rows ahead with both girls. I had no choice but to spend time on my soul, I began reading Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst, an incredible book about not losing our minds in the midst of the storm (the subtitle is “Making wise choices in the midst of raw emotion”). Seriously, I was only three chapters in before the previous sleepless night caught up with me and I couldn’t focus anymore, but those chapters… life changing! 

How often do I lose my mind? More than I care to admit. I am often inspired, but more often I fail. Over and over I fail. The joy of grace, I know I can try again the next time. The amazing part of the book is it’s another reminder, a reminder of how I view my circumstances and how I chose to respond is what makes life enjoyable or awful. 

My goal for this year is to face it with a new perspective, a new grace and love. Love for my husband, love for my children, and most importantly a love for my amazing God. I want others to see me and think “that is how I want to treat others”. I want to be that example and a light in a dark and discouraging world. I want to be a breath of fresh air in encouraging others, especially moms, that each moment is a blessing. A sweet, savoury, strength growing, gracious blessing. What a beautiful day today is. 

This is the day the LORD has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

Why Homeschool

     Growing up homeschooled I often vowed I would let my kids go to school. I was all about the social side of school, I was jealous my friends were able to see other friends every single day. That was my only argument with being homeschooled, which looking back I did not suffer socially and my parents made time for friends a high priority. Since graduating I have thought about my personal schooling and how I would want to educate my kids. In recent years, the more Adam and I have discussed it the more confident we have become in wanting to homeschool. So as a reminder on the hard days of why this was our choice, and to organize my why's, here it is! Here is why we are choosing to homeschool over any other school.
     Our first and foremost reason is focus. These years of character development and influence are so easily stolen from childhood. We would rather teach our children the foundational beliefs of our faith, and character than have a teacher and peers be the source of knowledge. We don't want our kids to come home from school and have to "relearn" habits, appropriate language, and Creation on top of the hours of homework. We want to teach more about character traits and develop responsibility, diligence, leadership, and compassion on a daily basis rather than adding those lessons to the rare and precious time we would have as a family. We also want to invest into the gifts and passions our kids have. If they like music, they can spend more time in a day doing music If they have a passion for street ministry then we can go hand out sandwiches and have conversations downtown one day. If they love writing, let them spend hours writing stories. Our goal in parenting is to encourage our kids to be the best they can be, including developing the gifts and passions God has given them and we feel we can do that best at home.
     Another reason is the influence society has on the school system in our culture. Some schools explain sexual orientation to young kids. Some schools are telling boys and girls they can decide what they want to "be." I disagree with that. God made you a specific gender for a reason, it's not your choice. The school boards are also required to teach sexual education at younger ages. I strongly believe those are conversations for parents to have with their kids first, not a teacher and not a friend. Adam and I also discuss that often, I grew up in a house where we didn't talk about sex. Adam grew up in a house where sex (and anything related) was joked about at the dinner table. We therefore have decided a balance between the two extremes is necessary. And not the responsibility of the school, but us as parents. Schools say abstinence is best, but since you won't be abstinent then at least have safe sex. A large classroom can't speak into the heart of why to wait for marriage, having a relationship with our kids, we have that chance. 
     Our children's personalities also affect my thoughts on homeschooling. Abbi is full of energy, she rarely sits. With both Adam and my sister, they would have been strongly advised to be put on an ADD drug of some sort if they were twenty years younger. In the States they passed a bill where schools cannot require students be put on treatment for ADHD and ADD. It's sad to me that a bill needs to be passed because that is a problem. The articles are astounding on the affects drugs such as ritalin are having on our continent. Activity levels should be dulled down to a manageable "easy" especially when teachers have 20+ students to sit and pay attention for 8 hours a day. The math of that, for me personally, should not equal a drug, it should be more teachers, more breaks, more interactive learning, and healthier food. But that's just my thoughts. I am confident Abbi would be categorized into the "needing treatment to settle her energy" group. I would rather do a lesson of math with her then let her have a dance party to burn energy before moving onto the next subject. I would rather have her learn to work with her energy so she is not required to take medication for the remainder of her life. Trust me, medicated lives are not easy! It's complicated and if not totally necessary then why put our precious little ones through that?
     Lastly, Adam's work schedule plays a large role into our motivation to homeschool. Two days a week Adam works from lunch until 9pm, those days if our kids were in a typical school setting, he would not see them. With working every Saturday as well, he would miss out far too much on our kids lives. Homeschooling we have the opportunity to take family field trips the mornings he is home and his Fridays off, a time I will definitely cherish.
     I am not against public schools, or any other for the record, but we believe this is the best choice for our kids and our family. Without a doubt, there will be challenges, times I want to give up, but it will be worth it. Encouraging their strengths, learning to work with their struggles, and having a strong foundation of what they believe will help them in the world. It won't be perfect, I am sure I will mess up plenty, but it is worth it in the end. As long as I am leaning on God's strength and wisdom. 
Proverbs 22:6 Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.