The other day I told someone that perhaps for our 10th... or 11th anniversary we will be in a less stressful season of life. But that time is not now. So many positive things are happening in our home - right? Adjusting to four littles has by no means been a walk in the park. C spent his first week of life in the children's hospital because he couldn't keep his oxygen levels up. He then spent the next seven weeks of life on 'at home' O2, which means we carried a tank of oxygen around. Needless to say that was a unique set of circumstances to adjust to.
Adam lost his job due to our crappy economy. He then returned to Toyota where he worked a million hours a week and made next to no money. After struggling to see where God wanted him and what God was asking of him we made some crazy drastic (yet thought out) life changes. We sold our house and Adam applied for school to attain his Master's in Leadership and Ministry. (Side note: how crazy is it that 10 years life experience qualifies you for your master's... all those poor students who have done the work to get their B.A...) Now in life we are renting from my parents, it's a pretty sweet gig. We have the three upstairs bedrooms and the bonus room while my parent's have made the basement a delightful studio apartment for themselves essentially, and sharing the main floor. Does it suck not having our own space? Whenever I am remotely frustrated with the situation I remember - WE ARE DEBT FREE!
Anyways, all these crazy changes are for the better. Although it will be a long challenging process. Resentment is my weakness. I love life, I love my sweet little trouble makers. I love my husband. I love that we are teaching Abbi at home, it is the best way for her to learn and to learn things we believe rather than imposing our government's social agenda on her naive, mouldable mind. I love that Adam is in school and learning, that he is being challenged to be a better believer, husband, father, and human. I love that in a few years we could be anywhere, we are totally dependant on God's guiding because we have no plan. At. All.
All those changes are blessings, although when we are following Christ the devil works hard to deter us from His' voice. He hits us where it hurts. My joyfulness depletes when all home stresses are left on my shoulders. I know that the responsibilities on Adam, including being a full time seminary student and working as much as possible plus crazy volunteer involvements, are weighing on him. I don't want to discourage his obedience in doing this schooling. I don't want my children to suffer because of my stress level. I don't want to resent Adam for being unavailable. I don't want our kids to resent the church because it has taken their dad away. I don't want school to be a negative for Abbi because of life's distractions.
Do I not trust that God is big enough to sustain all our needs, emotional and mental included? Where is the line between personal needs and family needs? When does taking care of kids win and when does taking care of self win? I strongly believe the self care might not happening until the baby is three or older. So in three years, when our kids are 9, 7, 5, and 3... When Adam is finished his schooling. Just make it through these next three years right? My struggle is I don't want to survive, I want to thrive. I want my kids to know their mother loves the Lord, loves life, and loves their daddy - even when there are a lot of life's pressures weighing them down.
Isaiah 43:2 says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." What a blessing to know that through all the awful, HE WILL BE WITH US. He stands in the fire with us. Yes there are struggles, but we are not alone.
Psalm 73:26 says, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." This season, along with every season of life, I am not alone. God never once asked me to make it through this without Him. He wants to uphold me, and encourage me, and be my accountability and strength. I CANNOT FORGET THIS! For if I do, I will surely fail. I will fail my jobs as wife, teacher, mother, daughter, sister, friend, follower, maid and chauffeur ;)
