Direction and Guidance

This week I was feeling quite conflicted. We have applied for a youth pastor position that would send us 12 hours away from where I was born, raised and from all of our immediate family. The moving part kind of excites me although I always thought when I did move it would be across the ocean to Africa... In time ;)
So Wednesday morning I sat down with my computer, journal, and Bible. I wrote "Lord, give me the direction and guidance I need. Either to encourage Adam or give reason and caution if that is what is needed." Funny how I thought I needed God to show me how to teach Adam - you know God loves letting me think I am helping others when really He is getting ready for a big lesson for my own heart!
I read a few Psalms that all sang of God's goodness, and He totally knows what He is doing.
Psalms 3:3 says But you, O LORD, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high.
Fitting as my prayer has been, 'soften my heard Lord, for this season is for Your glory."
I decided, perhaps watching some of this church's sermons will give me some insight into how they operate. Will we align theologically, will we feel connected and be able to find community there? I prayed for assurance that God would speak to my heart. He smiled. I'm sure of it. I found a sermon titled "Life", I figured it was fairly basic. I would say in the depths of my heart, although I want God to mould me I was looking more for an excuse that this couldn't be the place for us.
The sermon began and not only spoke to a specific situation that Adam and I had walked through the previous day, but spoke to my most treasured heart topic. In the sermon the Pastor brought up the Cecil the lion situation. (If you have been hiding in a cave for a few years - Cecil the Lion was shot by an American dentist and everyone freaked out about it. I won't speak about my opinions of the lion and the dentist because that is besides the point.) I am sure the Pastor said word for word what I had said when the whole thing went down. "The international outrage over poor Cecil, while there continues to be complete disregard for the life and welfare of Africans themselves. One lion, freaking out, millions of Africans, who cares?" He brought up Africa - the importance of African lives. That's my jam. That's where my heart is at and has always been. So, God used my area of greatest passion to connect with the sermon.
The next point that hit home is a more sensitive subject because it is not pertaining to just myself. To preserve the sensitivity of the subject I will only say, he shared a story of him and his wife and a situation they were presented with and their response. The day before listening to this sermon I saw someone post a  prayer request on our church ladies site, it hit my heart in a way I didn't expect. I shared the prayer request with Adam who was in class talking about intercession. His and my heart both felt the same way, our response was not one I had expected in any way but it was undeniable that it was God's voice and guiding. The two situations, although not something often heard of, were almost identical. Our responses, also identical. And the outcome of both were devastating and identical.
That doesn't just happen. God used that situation to teach me. Needless to say, after listening to the sermon and letting God whisper softly into my heart, I knew He has everything under control. Whether we get the job or not, whether it works out or not, at this moment, I am called to trust. And obey.

Proverbs 3:11-13
My child, don't reject the Lord's discipline, and don't be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights. Joyful is the person who finds wisdom, the one who gains understanding.

Resentment - softening or hardening of the heart

    The other day I told someone that perhaps for our 10th... or 11th anniversary we will be in a less stressful season of life. But that time is not now. So many positive things are happening in our home - right? Adjusting to four littles has by no means been a walk in the park. C spent his first week of life in the children's hospital because he couldn't keep his oxygen levels up. He then spent the next seven weeks of life on 'at home' O2, which means we carried a tank of oxygen around. Needless to say that was a unique set of circumstances to adjust to. 
    Adam lost his job due to our crappy economy. He then returned to Toyota where he worked a million hours a week and made next to no money. After struggling to see where God wanted him and what God was asking of him we made some crazy drastic (yet thought out) life changes. We sold our house and Adam applied for school to attain his Master's in Leadership and Ministry. (Side note: how crazy is it that 10 years life experience qualifies you for your master's... all those poor students who have done the work to get their B.A...) Now in life we are renting from my parents, it's a pretty sweet gig. We have the three upstairs bedrooms and the bonus room while my parent's have made the basement a delightful studio apartment for themselves essentially, and sharing the main floor. Does it suck not having our own space? Whenever I am remotely frustrated with the situation I remember - WE ARE DEBT FREE!
    Anyways, all these crazy changes are for the better. Although it will be a long challenging process. Resentment is my weakness. I love life, I love my sweet little trouble makers. I love my husband. I love that we are teaching Abbi at home, it is the best way for her to learn and to learn things we believe rather than imposing our government's social agenda on her naive, mouldable mind. I love that Adam is in school and learning, that he is being challenged to be a better believer, husband, father, and human. I love that in a few years we could be anywhere, we are totally dependant on God's guiding because we have no plan. At. All. 
    All those changes are blessings, although when we are following Christ the devil works hard to deter us from His' voice. He hits us where it hurts. My joyfulness depletes when all home stresses are left on my shoulders. I know that the responsibilities on Adam, including being a full time seminary student and working as much as possible plus crazy volunteer involvements, are weighing on him. I don't want to discourage his obedience in doing this schooling. I don't want my children to suffer because of my stress level. I don't want to resent Adam for being unavailable. I don't want our kids to resent the church because it has taken their dad away. I don't want school to be a negative for Abbi because of life's distractions. 
    Do I not trust that God is big enough to sustain all our needs, emotional and mental included? Where is the line between personal needs and family needs? When does taking care of kids win and when does taking care of self win? I strongly believe the self care might not happening until the baby is three or older. So in three years, when our kids are 9, 7, 5, and 3... When Adam is finished his schooling. Just make it through these next three years right? My struggle is I don't want to survive, I want to thrive. I want my kids to know their mother loves the Lord, loves life, and loves their daddy - even when there are a lot of life's pressures weighing them down. 

Isaiah 43:2 says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." What a blessing to know that through all the awful, HE WILL BE WITH US. He stands in the fire with us. Yes there are struggles, but we are not alone. 
Psalm 73:26 says, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." This season, along with every season of life, I am not alone. God never once asked me to make it through this without Him. He wants to uphold me, and encourage me, and be my accountability and strength. I CANNOT FORGET THIS! For if I do, I will surely fail. I will fail my jobs as wife, teacher, mother, daughter, sister, friend, follower, maid and chauffeur ;)

Wrestling With The Creator... again

Little update on life… it’s crazy. Chaos. Emotion. Busy. We are about 7 weeks out from baby #4’s arrival. As of two days ago we pulled Abbi out of kindergarten and began homeschooling (more on that later? maybe). And some extended family situations have been stressful to say the least. Add that to the list of typical financial stress, Adam adjusting to a new - but better - job, and a time in which I feel more disconnected because of this busy season of life. Processing has been a good description for the past few days of mental awareness. What is going on in life and how do we not only make it through, but thrive? 

In the processing I have wrestled with a question and realization - but no answer. Growing up I heard over and over the testimony of Phil Vischer, he spoke about the dream he had of talking vegetable speaking Biblical truth becoming as big as Disney taking God’s place in priorities. He spoke of Abraham and Isaac, where Abraham’s dream of having many descendants was tested when God told him to sacrifice Isaac on a mountain top. His words hit my naive heart, I knew it would be easy for me to let my dream of moving to Africa become my focus. I assumed at some point God would test me and I would be ready! I wrote in journals “planning to go, but willing to stay”. Did I really mean that? Or was it just for show - so it would appear as though my heart was in the right place? My back up dream was to have a large family, large in my mind is 5 or more babies. I didn’t focus my attention on that dream as much because - like I said - I was planning to go. 

Fast forward ten years and I am reminded of that testimony. I was taught that everything in life is a lesson, you can learn from every experience and grow in every challenge. With most things I would say I observe and achieve both learning and growing. When it comes to my dreams, it is a much, much harder realization. I am still living in the city in which I was born. I haven’t been to Africa or been involved in overseas missions the way I envisioned my life for a long time. Why did God take that dream? It wasn’t just a test of is it more important… He completely stripped me of the chance to move there. I’m not saying I blame God, I made choices that kept me here. But if He put such a great desire to serve children in Africa on my heart as such a young age - why didn’t He make it possible? 

In the past couple weeks I have been faced with another battle of the mind. I was respectfully informed by my doctor that it would be wise to get a tubal ligation during our upcoming cesarean. Being diabetic, three previous sections, and the stresses implicated on my body, the risks of having a fifth baby would be far greater than he thinks wise. I have always trusted doctors, my life depends on it. I truly don’t want to put my life or an innocent child’s life at risk because of my own selfish desires. But seriously God… why! Why would he take away my “back up” dream too? 

I know many people cannot be blessed with the number of children we have. I know that life is crazy stressful the way it is, and that I’m insane for even being saddened by the inability to have more babies. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids more than words can say, and I am so very thankful for each moment I have with each of them. 

But tonight - be it the pregnancy hormones, be it the emotional overload of the past few days and weeks… I wrestle deeply with what God is trying to teach me by taking away the two passions the way I had understood them. The ones He placed on my heart at a young age. Who am I to question what the Creator of the Universe is doing? Who am I to be annoyed and disappointed when I truly have been so blessed. Popular yet powerful, I need to constantly remind myself of Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I know God has a plan, I know I can only see a tiny fraction of the picture. Tonight I wrestle and struggle with what I do see. However, I am thankful. Tomorrow is a new day, a day in which reality won’t change, but my perspective can!