Little update on life… it’s crazy. Chaos. Emotion. Busy. We are about 7 weeks out from baby #4’s arrival. As of two days ago we pulled Abbi out of kindergarten and began homeschooling (more on that later? maybe). And some extended family situations have been stressful to say the least. Add that to the list of typical financial stress, Adam adjusting to a new - but better - job, and a time in which I feel more disconnected because of this busy season of life. Processing has been a good description for the past few days of mental awareness. What is going on in life and how do we not only make it through, but thrive?
In the processing I have wrestled with a question and realization - but no answer. Growing up I heard over and over the testimony of Phil Vischer, he spoke about the dream he had of talking vegetable speaking Biblical truth becoming as big as Disney taking God’s place in priorities. He spoke of Abraham and Isaac, where Abraham’s dream of having many descendants was tested when God told him to sacrifice Isaac on a mountain top. His words hit my naive heart, I knew it would be easy for me to let my dream of moving to Africa become my focus. I assumed at some point God would test me and I would be ready! I wrote in journals “planning to go, but willing to stay”. Did I really mean that? Or was it just for show - so it would appear as though my heart was in the right place? My back up dream was to have a large family, large in my mind is 5 or more babies. I didn’t focus my attention on that dream as much because - like I said - I was planning to go.
Fast forward ten years and I am reminded of that testimony. I was taught that everything in life is a lesson, you can learn from every experience and grow in every challenge. With most things I would say I observe and achieve both learning and growing. When it comes to my dreams, it is a much, much harder realization. I am still living in the city in which I was born. I haven’t been to Africa or been involved in overseas missions the way I envisioned my life for a long time. Why did God take that dream? It wasn’t just a test of is it more important… He completely stripped me of the chance to move there. I’m not saying I blame God, I made choices that kept me here. But if He put such a great desire to serve children in Africa on my heart as such a young age - why didn’t He make it possible?
In the past couple weeks I have been faced with another battle of the mind. I was respectfully informed by my doctor that it would be wise to get a tubal ligation during our upcoming cesarean. Being diabetic, three previous sections, and the stresses implicated on my body, the risks of having a fifth baby would be far greater than he thinks wise. I have always trusted doctors, my life depends on it. I truly don’t want to put my life or an innocent child’s life at risk because of my own selfish desires. But seriously God… why! Why would he take away my “back up” dream too?
I know many people cannot be blessed with the number of children we have. I know that life is crazy stressful the way it is, and that I’m insane for even being saddened by the inability to have more babies. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids more than words can say, and I am so very thankful for each moment I have with each of them.
But tonight - be it the pregnancy hormones, be it the emotional overload of the past few days and weeks… I wrestle deeply with what God is trying to teach me by taking away the two passions the way I had understood them. The ones He placed on my heart at a young age. Who am I to question what the Creator of the Universe is doing? Who am I to be annoyed and disappointed when I truly have been so blessed. Popular yet powerful, I need to constantly remind myself of Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I know God has a plan, I know I can only see a tiny fraction of the picture. Tonight I wrestle and struggle with what I do see. However, I am thankful. Tomorrow is a new day, a day in which reality won’t change, but my perspective can!
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