Giving Up

Today's mom society drives me a little crazy. Who delivers naturally, who uses a midwife, who has their baby at home, who breast feeds, who breastfeeds the longest, who doesn't cover when breastfeeding. In all honesty, I fail at society's "mom scale". 
I gave up breastfeeding Abbi at 3 months because we both just couldn't get the hang of it. Life was stressful, newly married, moving twice in four months, a wedding reception to plan. All in all I barely remember her first few months and it breaks my heart! Hope would never take a bottle - most people would think that's fantastic... but planning life around three hour intervals with no grace was hard. As soon as she decided to take a bottle around 9 months I weaned her. Jackson takes a bottle here and there but in the back of my mind I feel guilt. I shouldn't be giving him this, I'm a terrible mother, what if someone asks, what is someone notices his poop is less yellow? It's petty and pathetic. 
Next on my "mom scale failures" are my three c-sections. First was an emergency because her head got stuck, but I didn't fight it, and I had had an epidural. Second was planned because she was breech - until the morning of when she turned and they said I could try for a vaginal birth but 80% chance I would end up with a c-section anyways. Why bother? Little J, he was a legit reason and I have no guilt. I had some serious placenta issues (reduced placental function) which means at any point in time the umbilical cord could stop the blood flow and we could lose him. Our team of endocrinologist, dietician, nurse, obstetrician, neonatologist, public health nurses, and maternal fetal medicine doctor decided he needed to come at 35 weeks gestation and I was completely on board. Having an appointment every single day of the week made me easily trust doctors more than my own body. That was the most stressful c-section, I was able to see him but then they took him and Adam up to the NICU before they had finished closing me up. 
After three caesareans and non exclusive breast feedings I would have to say personally I am 100% not comfortable with not covering up when nursing my babe. I don't change in front of my own kids why would I let random strangers possibly see any more skin than I am totally comfortable with exposing? That's probably my own personal totally conservative views on modesty, Poor Adam things I should be a little less stingy with my wardrobe choices. I don't judge other's modesty, but I would rather be comfortable than trendy. 
The other new trend, co-sleepers and family bed stuff. I am all for kicking the baby out of my room! My bed is a sacred place for me and my husband, it's our safe place. Especially in a house of little people at different ages there is so little time of just us two. I am not willing to lose the precious moments we do have alone!
I guess I share all of this to say, I give up on feeling guilty! Do we all do these "trendy" mom things truly for the benefit of our kids or for our gold star from one another? If it was for the benefit of our kids then would we be fighting so hard against something? Shouldn't it be pro-growing and healthy baby not pro-home birth? Or pro-growing and fed baby not pro-breast feeding? I am not against the things I haven't done by any means, I am just against the condemnation that comes along with being a mom in a social media infested world. 

Let's not get our panties in a knot

Well the ALS ice bucket challenge... it has gone viral and like anything in our world there is a lot of garbage that goes along with "social media fads". So here is my stance!

I did it. Why did I dump a bucket of ice cold water on my head? To raise awareness, awareness that there are people out there suffering from a disease. A horrible disease that includes muscle's rapid progressive weakness resulting in difficulty moving, speaking, swallowing, and breathing. I am positive it would be awful knowing something with ALS, and that is why I participated in the challenge. I am not in support of the way they use the funds, or the possibility of them using embryo stem cells for research. In saying that, I don't have all the information and it is not my place to judge what they are doing. But it is my choice to donate or not, peer pressure or not. I don't want to donate to them but there are hundreds of other charities I wholeheartedly support.

Nevertheless, I am proud of the phenomenon of hundreds of people raising awareness. My reasoning is simple... our North American society is totally absolutely consumed with ourselves and our own problems. I am excited that so many people are standing together, acknowledging that there is serious pain and suffering in other people's lives. In all honesty, I wish it was for something more serious. I wish we could raise money to solve world hunger (which the amount of money the Western world spends on perfume in a year would cover.) I wish we could raise awareness for many other <bigger> issues. Not to say ALS isn't terrible, but there are far fewer people dying from ALS than the lack of clean water. That being said, I am thankful that for a short while many people have done something to realize they are not the only person with problems. Everyone is dealing with something, and we don't see what is happening in their heart. So let's band together and be a community to support one another. And encourage other's to do the same!

My Malachi Home

This special evening... a holiday... My parents graciously offered to watch our children while Adam and I escaped for an hour of fishing. 
I look over as my dear husband drives the boat away from the dock. A beautiful red cabin. So similar, yet so different from the childhood memories surrounding it. Catching frogs, playing paper dolls, hours upon hours of swimming. This place is special. It is the perfect memory. Life was easy, imagination and basic living. I remember the days of no electricity, grandpa would pop popcorn in the fireplace. I remember the days of no internet, you read and talked and played games around the table. I remember as a teenager, if we brought our cellphones out of our bags we set them up in the front send window to receive a signal. Now there are both, I'm not sure if I love it or hate it. Life is more convenient. An occasional shower is a positive. An indoor toilet is a positive. But everyone checking their phones and iPads and computers... I miss the escape. I remember my grandma used to say the day the internet came to the lake she wouldn't. I think she had two summers with internet here before she passed away. Some memories never fade, when Abbi opens the door I can hear my grandma in the back of my mind "Shut the door!"
But tonight she is not here. I see the loneliness in my grandpa's eyes, he misses her. Tonight he was sitting outside in the screen room listening to some of their favourite songs. The Prayer (by Andrea Brocelli & Celine Dion) came on. My heart stopped for a moment... that was her favourite song. One of the top five for sure. My grandpa is an amazing man, he was an incredible husband. He washed her feet every night. He woke up every night to give her a blood test at 3 am. He did everything for my grandma and never once complained. I still don't know if I have ever heard him complain. 
I am so thankful for this place. Malachi. My childhood safe place. Although a vacation here is not truly relaxing, there is always work to be done... but it's wonderful. I love it. Every moment of being here brings joy and tranquility.